I wanna write in English, not only beacuse I haven’t written in English
for so long, but also I can speak out every feeling of my own without
embarrassment.It’s better in English.

Ep1: This is a story about Mary. In the end she is the Merchant who
didn’t outrun death. She died in London, which is (quoting Sherlock) “my
city”, not anywhere else on the run, just like the Merchant tried to
escape but run into the noose himself. And the villain appears in the ad
on the bus stop when the new girl showed up sitting there. Seems like an
actor? A “murder” series is coming soon. I don’t trust the new girl;
seems the split image of her and the villain indicates some kind of
symmetry. Maybe she is a prop to approach John and use him to break
Sherlock from within. I think there is more to Cabinet Minister due to
the suspicious over-reaction from his wife when Thatcher is mentioned.
And why Thatcher again? She has been used in series 2 after all… Also:
a little sweet treat for Chinese fans. In an email from Sherlock’s
laptop (when he is drugged by Mary) there is an incident in China that
need help. Is that small hole in the wall Mycroft’s apartment??? And
what is “13th”? Sherrinford is the third Holmes am I right? Have you
thought why someone smart as Sherlock would show off at the time so
inappropriate that would irritate the secretary and cost Mary’s life?
When I saw the actor’s facial expression, I thought he noticed that the
secretary is going to hurt Mary and decided to move her attention to
himself and protect her. And when the small old lady shot him his face
reads no shock but determination. Only that he didn’t see it coming that
Mary, the same as him, would sacrifice her life for his, for the safety
of John and their little girl, since she knows she couldn’t make it to
the end living an ordinary life all along. And the most important: why
the hell did Mary say “go to hell”? And what is “save John”? Does she
know some master plans targeting John and Sherlock from criminal master
(whoever that might be)? —————– I am disappointed after first
watch. But then, I don’t have high hopes after series 3. It’s fun, it’s
light hearted, it has dark twist and major fight scene. But all in all
the case is so damn easy for casual viewers let alone Sherlock. After
second watch some details are interesting and there may be little tricks
hidden somewhere but that could not count if the whole plot is weak as
hell. Yes it’s written by Gatiss and I am not supposed to expect too
much but… well I hope Moffat can do a little bit better. Or are they
hiding some surprises that would make a huge difference in the finale?
Since the finale would be played in theaters… They better got
something really good for the sake of the show. ——————- OMG
after re-watch abominable bride I can’t help notice the symmetry between
Lady Carmichael/Modern!John Watson and Sir Carmichael/Modern!Mary
Watson. Sherlock was supposed to protect Sir Carmichael but failed. Lady
Carmichael blamed him for it. And Sir Carmichael was murdered by ghost
of his past – just the way how Modern!Mary died. BUT, if it is indeed a
symmetry – not my over analysis – then since Lady Carmichael did help
murder her own husband, it must mean Modern!John has something to do
with Modern!Mary’s death. Really I want to make fun of the seemingly
ridiculous theories so far but I can’t now. The lines are so
astonishingly similar…”You promised to keep him safe. You promised!” I
don’t think it is just coincidence, especially after premonition is
brought up so many times in T6T. Is it all foreshadowing or just made up
by my overly suspicious mind? I can’t wait for next episode now, not
even 24 hours. Ep2: Okay I’m done with it. Though it’s touching, it’s
heartbreaking, it got surprises and big cliffhangers I am still not okay
with all the Mary bullshit let alone the new villain(villain??). To me
it’s just a messed up character development disaster, all of the Mary
storyline till before this episode. No authentic emotion state
transition, no authentic motives behind all the ridiculous behaviors,
why make a could-be profound and in-depth character so unconvincing and
superficial?? That’s just bad writing to be honest. Or bad performance.
I don’t know. We got Sherlock and John – very dynamic duo from the
beginning, we got Moriarty the unforgettable villain, we got Irene who
brilliantly stands out even though there is only one episode for her,
yet we plotted the whole season 3 and half of season 4 around Mary and
no one really understands what just happened with her. Why? Just WHY?? I
can only hope the new girl would get some righteous treatment – I can
not handle another new character disaster right now. To me, Mofftiss
just don’t quite know how to portray convincing, real human emotions –
probably not enough screen time? For instant click like Irene, enough,
but for real relationship like John and Mary, not at all. And Mycroft
with Lady Smallwood…what the bloody hell, is everyone going to pair up
now?? But other than this messy so-called character development, I am
quite happy with other parts – the genuine heartbreaking regret and
tears shown by Martin probably is the best in this episode.
——————— Now we talk about some proper deduction. Which is
done so brilliantly I can forget about all my rant above. First things
first: can we talk about John was attracted and flirting with Sherlock’s
own sister(Fem!Sherlock/John???) o_O You do love danger don’t you John.
And Sherlock chose to help his sister in disguise – with a stick. Like
John. We’ve been told all along – Sherlock’s a girl’s name. Moriarty
dressed like a bride in TAB. The danger – they hover at our elbows. What
else? And the first scene – gun shot. John’s face. We thought it is John
can’t get rid of Mary’s death the first watch – but no. We’ve been told
from the beginning – John is in danger. When Mary first appeared: did
she live? Is that fake death? Is that why you can not tell shrink? Oh
no. She is your imagination John. That’s no good. And then Sherlock: is
the girl imagined? Why Mrs Hudson can not see her? Is it to give you a
little stimuli? To avoid drug? No you’re already high. And Billy? Is he
STILL CAN NOT TELL? That is fucked up – brilliantly, deliberately fucked
up. And from second watch: heck we are all tricked by a little disguise.
In plain sight. No one noticed the two girls: one real Faith(both in
person and in picture) and one fake Faith – THEY ARE DIFFERENT. And all
three girls: the fake Faith, the shrink, and the one on the bus – THEY
ARE THE SAME PERSON. No one noticed. NOT A SINGLE ONE. What a collective
idiots we are? From third watch: “I reminded you of your friend.”
Yassss. Because you’re his sister. Remember? “Sister!” From the very
first encounter, Harry or Harriet? “Once you opened your heart, you
can’t close it again.” WTF??? Foreshadowing again?? Nooooooo Holy shit
they told us about Mycroft/Lady Smallwood affair. Hidden within a scene
shift. – “You haven’t made it up to me.” – “How am I supposed to do
that?” From Mycroft/Lady Smallwood dialogue. Next – “Sex.” From
Sherlock/Faith. The dialogue about sex – interesting. Faith’s lover
didn’t notice the scars hence no sex. And guess what? Later on we see
John found out about Sherlock’s scars. Bahahahahaha what are you trying
to say Moffat? And the scene shift again – “Don’t call us, we’ll call-”
Then Mycroft on the phone with John. Brilliant. Just brilliant. The
suicidal speech: I am perfectly certain it is said to Sherlock himself.
He is the one who wants to drown in drugs so he would not feel guilty
about Mary’s death. But it would cost not he himself; the pain is on
Mycroft, Mrs Hudson, Molly, and John. Faith saw Sherlock is nicer.
(Second watch: Than what? Childhood Sherl? What happened then? Did
Sherlock do something horrible to her so that she would hurt John to
make revenge? Did Sherlock’s speech remind her his life’s end is not
where the pain is, but who he cares most’s is? Is her original plan
making Sherlock dead?) Then Sherlock remembered. The childhood scene, on
the second watch I realized Sherlock is indeed better than any of us. He
vaguely realized who she really is. And then she is gone. (“Faith” is
gone?) On first watch: my god is this girl also IMAGINATIVE? WHAT IS
REAL NOW? The name is ANYONE. One word. Brilliant. Annnnnnnnd that was
three weeks ago. Here to the first scene with the shrink. And we thought
is was Sherlock but no, it’s Mrs Hudson. We thought they are going to
Baker street but bam, he is in the back trunk. Brilliant, and brilliant,
and hilariously brilliant again. (How many brilliant have I said now?)
Where is that monologue speech come from? A play? – Oh Henry V. And also
featured in credits with red letters. And “Sherlock is on Twitter. He
must’ve lost it.” (Hmmm… Trump? With the “I am voting for…” line
from Smith before…) – “Have you spoken to Mycroft? Molly? Anyone?” –
“They don’t matter, you do!” Aw Mrs Hudson you’re speaking the truth
again! The slow motion is the best since Moriarty in London tower! The
background music, the choreography, the pace, everything, just perfect
and fun! Silly you thought she is shaken because she’s afraid aren’t
you, Sherlock? Never underestimate Mrs H:D “Do you know why they dropped
you dear? Because they know you.” Hahahahahaha “Is this the new person?
I’m against new people.” No darling she is not, you have a very keen eye
don’t you Sherlock? Moffat told us all beforehand just no one noticed
the hidden clues. My god I don’t know what to say now. Here. Eurus gave
Sherlock a cup of water. Is that drugged? Is that why he can’t recall?
Or am I reading too much into this? “You’re a doctor, examine me” ;P “Is
Molly the right person? She is more used to dead people.” No Mrs Hudson
I don’t want it to be foreshadowing, not now o_O – “You’re disagreeing
with yourself.” – “Are you ready sir?” – “Yes I am.” Again two meanings
in one sentence. Well done. “He is our monster.” Awwww Mary I almost
liked you yet you’re dead like a stone:( “I don’t do handshakes, it’ll
have to be a hug” Oh my god Moffat you bloody naughty thing! Yes it’s a
hug. THE hug. Later on. Other than the handshake. THE handshake. We
remembered and complained so much about. I’m DYING. When they hug,
Sherlock got Smith’s phone. Did Smith also do something? I don’t think
he would waste this chance if he really is that dangerous. “You know
what makes it cool when you’re a kid? Dangerous.” I SWEAR this has
something to do with Sherlock/Mycroft/Eurus’ childhood trauma. And Smith
probably knows it. Because Eurus told him. Because Eurus knows about
Smith’s dark secret and in exchange told him her secret. Or the other
way around. “Safest place to hide. Plain sight.” Yes. Not only Smith,
but Eurus. “I needed a hug.” Yes, needed and will need. I have a feeling
the “endless” would make more sense in TFP. “The queen killer” Oh no.
It’s not good. I don’t feel well. Who is “the queen”? Mycroft. Who are
we gonna lose? Not Mycroft. Seriously, please not be him. Or is it the
other one? Eurus, the serial killer, protected by the Government
Mycroft? “Because I know her. …I think she liked me.” Yes you know
her. And she likes you indeed. Eurus. “Impressive facade. It’s about to
break.” Yes both Smith and Eurus. First watch: is that really drug
induced hallucination? So all of this, Sherlock’s imagination? He is
wrong??? Second watch: nice try b–ch. “Move him to my favorite room”
You just betrayed yourself to John, Smith. If not maybe you had a
chance. And you’re manipulating them aren’t you? Make John feels he
should be treated better? His contributions should be appreciated more?
Is that the direction where you’re going to Moffat? And the most
touching part: Sherlock made John hit him hard so that John would no
longer feel angry, guilty, and remorseful. He is willing to make such a
sacrifice, at cost of his own health, to give his friend peace. This,
together with the hug, makes me wanna cry. “Let him do what he wants,
he’s entitled.” JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY. “Still thinking about
Sherlock.””No, you are.” Well said Mary, well said. “Locked up in a
tower or something” I think you’re right John. Maybe that’s where she
was indeed. “Time is of no infinite supply” Not good again. Not with
Mycroft. “He knows you’re an idiot but you’re a lovely doctor so it’s
fine” I love you Mrs Hudson. “John Watson never accepts any help, but he
never refuses it” Well, isn’t that what TAB told us? I know it would be
John save Sherlock. It would be Sherlock save John. It has to be the two
of them. Each other’s savior. And that’s what this show is about, two
man’s deeper than blood friendship(as shown in the book prop on Google
Maps). “I like to make people into things. I can own them.” wut O_O you
want to own Sherlock you disgusting thing? ask John first go on
Annnnnnnnd… We go full circle to the very beginning of the show. John
was here, John is here. He saved Sherlock, and he will do it again.
Whenever his friend is in danger, he would put everything else away to
save him. We, went through the trouble of going up the spiral stairs,
found the two boys just like where they were from the beginning, with
new understanding of their experiences, their emotions, their needs and
hearts, and that’s what Mofftiss want to show us. Not just a detective
show, indeed, but a show about how a detective(and others) gets to grow
up and fully realize what their life means and should be. That my
friend, is how to do it right(well the plot seems a bit ridiculous
sometimes, but I’ll give it a pass). “People always give up after 3” I
BET that means season 3 am I right Moffat? Yes I almost give up. And I
still am not a fan of it. But you… no I’m done. I give up. You’re the
best that you can mock yourself and out-done yourself. Here, have my
self-esteem. I don’t need it anymore. “Break America” Yeah I don’t
believe it has nothing to do with Trump. Most certainly it is a mockery
of him. “I thought we were just hanging out” Awwww Sherlock even I want
to hug you and can feel how happy you are right now “It is a currency I
do not know how to spend” LET ME JUST CRY “Happy birthday” EVEN CRY MORE
The confession scene. I have nothing to say. THE most real, most heavy,
most emotionally captivating scene in the whole show till now. It’s not
a duo anymore. Mary completes John. She guided John. John saved Sherlock
because of her. Sherlock saved John because of her. Here the character
finally got the righteous treatment(not enough, really, see what you
have done in season 3, but it is what it is). And the actings of the
three actors are superb. And “No, even you.” Wow. Well said. “Isn’t that
right, Mary?” Sherlock knows Mary. He knows John. He knows how John
knows Mary. My god. Well, the last part. Needn’t I say more. I am so
desperate to see TFP. Can’t wait till next week. This is such a
successful adaption of the Dying Detective. Not only lying, we can
almost see him as dying with so much drug abuse and violence from John.
True to the original material I must say, and respectful yet with new
changes here and there, fun and necessary to the character development
and plot. I love it. Maybe more than TSiB or TRF.
———————— Just a thought: there are three left a number.
Moriarty, Eurus, and Lady Smallwood. Just like in TAB, three working
together… If there is not anything fishy then Ep3: Sherlock is dead as
a stone… this time the show lol. I can see the reason they said there
would be no more in foreseeable time now…yep no more please. Let the
duo live in the first two series(or maybe the hug?) and leave our
beloved detective who’s the original Holmes in book alone.
————————- After the second watch things get better. Yet
it is still problematic…saying it as politely as my best. Now the bad
things: paper-thin characters(they just smacked their own face and
ruined what a beautiful significant character development they made in
ep2), really badly written fanfic-ish ridiculous family drama, poor deus
ex machina little sis… Just name a few. And out of place nod to
themselves: the elephant glass, the “good man”, the “east wind is
coming”…not the ideas are bad: they are great. Just wrong place or
wrong way to show them. I finally get which way they are going to: one
called “I’m so perfectly clever so Imma gonna ridicule myself and make
you laugh”. Except when it is not so clever, it’s just downright stupid
instead. I get they want to do the weirdly mixed version of sci-fi
comics comedy, dark horror thriller and B movie, but take a look at
their inspirations: The Shining, Shutter Island, Saw, The Silence of the
Lambs, even Star Trek and Star Wars… Not as good enough a script they
have as those. Sorry, wrong way to try and I can’t bear to watch you
roasted to death. In the end making “television history” is not that
easy, eh? Let’s look at the bright side: “deduction”. Well some parts
are rather disappointing to be honest: like the no glass one. If you
think of it as the writers saying “we got you a shock effect with
literally nothing in hand” then probably it’s kind of clever. But
seriously, it would take no longer than one second for the Sherlock in
the first two seasons to notice that there is no glass. To be fair it
would not take me more than a minute to notice that. Yet I’m just a
goldfish. So this is the case: it looks promising at first, but if you
look really close, the facade just collapses in your face. But there are
some clever ones still. The fake Captain and fake safety guard one, for
instance, is fun to watch the second time since you can recognize the
figure and voice(especially Ben’s, I know something is wrong with that
guard on the beach the first round). The compromised Governor one is
also clever, you would surprisingly find out that the whole tape is
about how to lure the Governor’s wife on board on second watch, and you
would realize how clever John actually is – the “Vatican Cameo” code
appears quite early. And before he reacts, he took a minute to find a
way out – but there is none so next he has no way but break it loose. I
also like the nod: when Sherlock stands on board, “You’re the
detective.””No, I’m a pirate.” See, that’s clever dialogue writing: not
out of place, just pure fun. If you look closely at what Eurus did: she
is basically trying to destroy the corner stone(or touch the soft spot?)
of each character from the beginning. John, strict moral code; Sherlock,
emotions; and Mycroft, brotherhood. I kind of understand why this is
important on a metaphorical, abstract level; but again, sorry for using
the wrong way to demonstrate. Mycroft’s odd behavior towards his sister
is explained well in some sense: how he deals with his little sister is
consistent with what he did to the imaginative one, “the girl on the
plane”: make the plane crash in sea, let the girl die rather than expose
all urban civilians to danger… If you really think about it logically,
it makes sense. He really is the perfectly logical one. Even with his
own sister. He doesn’t hate her, maybe even love her; it’s just that you
have to make the best choice. But, as I said before, counter-intuitive.
Hard for the audience to buy it the first time, with emotions, not
logics. And John is the grown-up version of Victor all along. That’s why
they became friends; that’s how they have the instant chemistry; the
story is written long before anything comes into the picture. This is
the corner stone of the whole story: we tend to ignore that, all in all,
why did they become close in the first place? So this is not the story
of Johnlock: it’s about the long lost friendship, unspoken brotherly
love and redemption of a traumatized genius’ soul. And Eurus: a highly
intelligent girl with significant emotional problem. She does not know
how to express love, how to seek love, no matter how much she needs it.
Human emotions are beyond her understanding: she doesn’t know anything
about that, the world looks just like a plane with dead people and she
is falling. She is in dark; she is afraid. All she can do is drowning
his brother’s best friend to seek attention, in the childhood, in the
adult life, hope he would know, hope he would understand, and he would
save her. When I really think about it, I’m almost moved; but you could
have shown us better interpretation of this Mofftiss. So I guess it
really is “love conquers all”- looks like everything is explained;
except the story looks so ridiculously surreal that its emotional weight
just lost in midway. Now I’m just very sad for the lost potential of
such a deep and meaningful theme. I’m grateful for the Mystrade moment:
“I’ll take care of it”. And “thanks Greg” I know it would happen at
last. Oh, and the violin battle: such a heart wrenching moment that
Sherlock went to Sherrinford again and again to “communicate” with his
sister. To keep her close, keep her safe, let her know she is loved in
her way, since words are beyond her understanding now. But again, the
execution of this idea is another example of failure of the probably the
most beautiful, non-verbal scene this series deserves. Except we saw
Mycroft and the parents finally visit her too, a real family moment.

It’s always kind of been an afterthought because I’ve always felt this
way. It’s always been my identity whether I had the language to describe
it or not. Before I came out, I was not necessarily fully aware of the
oppression I was experiencing. I was being forced into a binary gender I
didn’t identify with, but I didn’t know you could just not be the gender
your parents decided on. I grew up in a pretty conservative, Catholic
household. Because of the correlation between sex and gender and how it
pertains to porn and sex work, it’s definitely been more in the
forefront for me. It’s been something that gives me community and that
motivates me and gives me direction in my career in this journey that I
am on.

I know, I gave 2 scores to Fifty Shades Darker ( the second one) and I
didn’t have high expectation to this third one. But why do I see this
series again? Just because I’m used to watching a simple, no brainer
movie when I have lunch. So that’s what I have, the simplest one in my

But then, I think those words are for us: maybe they really did what
they could. They don’t want to tie up loose ends – which is what makes
us mad – instead, they just want to provide context. A story of the core
reason why everyone chose his/her path. A story of how the story we saw
along the whole 4 seasons became this way. Sadly, such story is not
satisfying at all – it just does not make common sense. Now I am not
angry, just feel sympathetic that such a profound background “context”
did not work. To be fair, it won’t work anyway. Human nature is just too
complicated, the reason we became the way we are can not be minimized to
such a naive explanation. They have chosen the wrong way. Mary’s last
words is truly the real gem of this episode though, if we pull it aside:
I remembered the warmth this show gave me in the first place – indeed,
when life is too strange, too impossible, too frightening(when this show
became too strange, too impossible, too frightening?), there is always
this last hope: the two men(and little Rosie!) sitting there in this
little flat, the best and wisest men, always, for us. Also a little
something I found: do you remember the mysterious matchbox case long
time before? Well look at how the family house was burnt. Look at the
matchbox in Eurus’ hands. My bet is on this is the subconscious memory
surfacing to consciousness and not a real one. ——————— All
these being said, despite how silly and unbelievably sloppy this show
became, I almost wept when the “Who you really are” theme came out. I
can’t forgive Mark and Steven, but Arwel, David, Ben, Martin, all the
cast and crews they did such a wonderful job and I’d like to give them
all a big hug and thank-you. It’s like all the resentment, all the fury,
dissatisfaction, and disappointment dissolved into the melancholy love
of such a beautiful, beautiful show they gave us for the last 7 years of
my life. All things rebuilt, all happiness returned, like all the mess
never happened, just the new beginning of the life of all that in the
story or tagged along with it which is us. Sentiment, it is such a good
thing and bad thing in the same time. In the heartbreakingly beautiful
music we relived the past unforgettable 7 years again, we remembered why
we love this show in the first place, and we saw the new hope of a new
era indeed: this is the end and beginning, this is the best and worst
time of our lives. It’s a proper goodbye for whoever really devoted to
the show: we can’t outdone it, but at least, we sincerely want you to
feel how much we love you and we know you love us, always, like how you
loved these two baker street boys for a hundred of years. So thank you,
and see you on the other side.

I just turned 22. I came out when I was 17. It was when I was in college
the first time: I’ve studied mortuary sciences and pharmacology. I play
the banjo, and I was doing a show, my mom was in the audience. I was
playing an original song and said, “Oh, by the way, I’m one of those
they/them people.” So I came out to my mom and a bunch of people in the

All right. I admit I expect to see some unexceptional scenes, if you
know what I mean. However, I have to take full of ridiculous,
unreasonable, vanity plots. For instance, buying a house out of blue for
Anna, taking her to Paris or whereever in Europe for holidays by plane,
no hard working or business at all. Always fun, fun, fun! I’m sick of
the imaginary “fairytale” that the writer or the director showed to the
aim audience. It is said that the original novel prevails among the
middl-aged Amreican women. If it’s true, I’m so sorry for them.

© 本文版权归我  Lerota

I’ve been doing sex work three to four years. I’ve been escorting for
about two, and I started doing porn before that. I’ve gotten a lot of
slack from other escorts and clients for being open about my gender
identity in my career, especially in escorting. A lot of the time to
make my living, I’ve had to play a gender I don’t identify with. In
porn, I’ve gotten cast for a lot of cis female roles. In escorting, a
lot of people call me “she.” Some escorts in the scene hate my guts for
correcting them on my pronouns. A lot of people have something to say
about my gender identity and don’t necessarily understand what I lose by
being out as genderfluid. I definitely lose a lot of clientele; there’s
a lot of confusion. Especially in escorting specifically, and sex work
in general, when you say “trans,” it’s assumed you’re a trans woman. A
lot of clients—older generation, those who are ignorant, people who are
just not PC, or a mix of the three—assume that when you say you’re
trans, that you have tits and a dick. Trans is not binary either.
Especially in porn, though, it’s all very binary.

All right. Never mind the meaningless story. I’m here for the beatiful
bodies and the wild lust. I’m sure the cameraman took the perfect angles
and filmed the seductive bodies as much as he could. We can see the tops
of leadiing roles and the remainging parts except for the private parts.
But I did not even enjoy the frequent sex scenes which are supposed to
turn me on. Why? Because I feel like the whole movie is cobbled up with
so many unnecessary sex scenes and filled with the storyline in between.
I don’t like the idea that sex scenes come first and the basic story is
nothing compared to that. I suppose the director didn’t give a shit to
it. You can feel the director wanted to show you more styles of sex or
SM. Unfortunately they are very short or not enough. It’s not cool at
all. I don’t buy it. I would rather watch porns

I just did a shoot this weekend in Montreal with TSNaturals.xxx, which
is one of the first trans porn sites I know of that is showcasing
nonbinary performers as trans porn—encompassing me, whose body is
naturally how it developed (I haven’t had any plastic surgery to date).
So to be shot and showcased, especially in solo scenes, as a trans body
is really revolutionary. I’m trying to do more work like that. Even if
I’ve worked sometimes as cis to get by, or if I’ve been cast in cis
roles, it’s important to be able to showcase that my body is a
genderfluid body even though I’m feminine in my presentation. Me jerking
off in a solo video is still trans porn because I’m a trans person. It
doesn’t matter that I’m not a binary trans person because there’s a lot
of nonbinary erasure, especially in sex work. I want to spearhead change
for that.

Anyway, I haven’t finish the movie yet. But my mind about its score is
settled. You’ll be disappointed if you want ot see some fire. The bodies
are good though.

The porn industry has a long way to go. I want to spearhead some change
in that aspect. I turn down a lot of work sometimes if the role I’m cast
in is super-cis—like if the dialogue is saying “I’m a naughty girl.” I
started to do a custom video like that recently, and I started to feel
dysphoric and I’m like, Actually, I can’t do this. It’s not me. I am in
a privileged position right now where I’m able to turn down work,
whereas I haven’t been able to previously. I’ve done porn shoots before
where I’ve hated it the entire time, but sex work is work. Just like my
partner is not always stoked to go do a 12-hour shift at his job, I can
be not stoked to go shoot a scene. I love my job, but everyone has bad
days at work.

© 本文版权归小编  生命

Photo by NW Studios

I have my pronouns on my website. I don’t correct people when I’m hired
by a client or if we’re doing a specific scene. I’m still me, but a
client paying me $350 an hour is not paying to get a crash-course on
nonbinary identities 101. They’re paying for my time and our chemistry
and connection. If that’s a conversation they want to have, I’m happy to
have it with them. But I’m not going to push it on them. Especially in a
discreet, private one-on-one session, that’s not the best place to have
a dialogue. But I will take the opportunity to educate anyone when I
can. My best clients, when they write me reviews, they ask me what
pronouns I would like to use and are really respectful and want to talk
about it. If I want to educate a client, I would do it on my time as
opposed to their time. That’s the way the business goes. You want to pay
someone to have a wild, crazy, passionate time. Especially because a lot
of my clients are older and I advertise my real age, you don’t want to
sit down on the couch and feel like you’re getting a lecture from
someone who is 30 years younger than you.

Porn is different because there’s lines, there’s storyboarding; porn is
an act. It’s hard work, and I enjoy it. But in-person sessions are a lot
different for me. I like to be as real as I can with people. It
definitely turns some people off how personal I get on social media and
how personal I get with people when I meet them for sessions. A lot of
people have a persona they put on… But I just like to be my authentic
self with people as much as I can. The people who appreciate that
authenticity will keep coming back; the people who don’t, there’s a
million other escorts out there in the criteria they’re looking for.

Right now, I’m in ripped jeans and I really never wear undergarments.
Even in a lot of my sessions, I tend to not wear a lot of lingerie. I am
pretty femme, but I do appreciate my masculinity. Some days, I practice
BDSM with my partner, so he’ll say, “I want you to wear a dress with no
panties to dinner,” and I have to safeword out because I can’t and if
put on a dress, I just won’t feel like myself. Having autism, I am very
sensitive to the texture of fabrics too, so having my gender identity
and expression be affected by what clothes I wear plus my sensory issues
that I have for being on the spectrum, I am very particular about things
that I wear. There’s times where I’m doing a photoshoot and don’t feel
like myself; I wear mascara sometimes, but I’m not a huge makeup person.
I have a manicure right now, and if I’m having a super masculine day or
feeling very male that day, I rip off my nails. I can’t have my long
nails, and other days I enjoy it. The fluidity is so frustrating because
it’s always changing and fluctuating on the spectrum—not necessarily
every day, but week to week.

In the expectations of being assigned female at birth, people who are
nonbinary, the expectation is that if we have surgeries, it’s to look
more masculine or androgynous. I want to fight that misconception. I am
getting breast augmentation in November: I’m getting saline implants and
going up to triple Ds, but that’s my top surgery. People expect if I’m
getting top surgery as someone with breasts that you’re supposed to get
them cut off. I’m going bigger, and I don’t think that’s any less valid
than getting my breasts removed. It’s just as validating for my gender.
It doesn’t matter if I look super-feminine and I have my big titties and
I’m in a tight-fitting dress. I’m still not a woman because that is how
I feel.

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